LIFE is full of Cycles: Birth, death, seasons, & Bipolar Disorder
LIFE, like the four seasons and a good story, consists of cycles of birth (beginning), living (middle), death (end), and the unknown (epilogue).
Winter has officially begun and this season has always represented evolution for me. A time of hibernation and restoration. To reconnect with distant loved ones or take much needed time for self (reflection). Spring follows as a representation of birth and love. The perfect time for decluttering to get rid of the old and make way for new. Summer comes next with the heat of freedom beckoning us all to be outside and create unforgettable memories, while embracing all of who we are. Lastly, we welcome the cool down and the beautiful change in landscape of fall as we prepare to reap the harvest from our faith throughout the year, and then live through the cycle once again.
As poetic as that may read, after writing it, I realized that this gave zero context to the cycles I also experience with bipolar II disorder. To be honest, I don’t think I originally included it because it still doesn’t feel normal.
I don’t feel “normal.”
I first experienced and recognized bouts of deep sadness (I believe my first signs of clinical depression) around the age of 10. We had just moved into a house off Golay St., which was still on the Southside of Nap, about 5mins away from the home I thought I would grow up in and eventually buy one day.
That move was such a pivotal moment in my life because it was here that I went from enjoying my own company in solitude to feeling isolated and lonely. This move also came after we had just moved back in with my grandpa after mommy moved us to the Far-Eastside, during a state of mania, trying to assert her independence in ‘98-99.
Fast forward to 2001, Aaliyah dies on August 25th and then the planes crash into the Twin Towers on September 11th, each of those moments still vivid memories in my mind. I also remember my mom being hospitalized after having another episode of psychosis around this time. I’m 11yo and it literally feels like my heart and mind are going to explode trying to comprehend and process all of this.
Looking back, I was definitely experiencing cyclical episodes of depression and (hypo)mania as early as 13/14 years old. Episodes would last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. In my early 20s, episodes started lasting for months.
It all starts with feeling a sense of normalcy. And then comes this decline, usually gradual, into a valley. A low vibrational mood and mindset that I somehow find comfort in, despite the self-destructive tendencies. From the valley I rise meteorically to a peak. Achieving little, starting much, and all the time chasing a high, an escape from this loop. I always come to rest in a place of acceptance for my experience yet a desire to not feel it in such extremes. And then it begins again.
So wtf is normal and will I ever feel that way?
If life is nothing but “pre-destined” cycles, why try?
Do I really have free will? Do my choices matter?
These are questions I often ask myself during and after episodes.
To be so aware of myself, so educated, yet still feel bound by own my mind often sends me into a state of cognitive dissonance. Where I’m always running from myself and the choices I’ve made just to run right into (facing) myself.
Now in my 30s, literally like a few days ago, I realize I’ve been shaming myself when it comes to medication management for bipolar II disorder. It made me question if I would be further along in my healing, my recovery had I not witnessed stigma and shame around mommy’s experiences with mental illness. It also made me wonder how much I’ve held up my own progress because of negative past experiences with medication and suicidal ideation.
Recently, I asked myself if I would actively and consciously choose to end my life solely based on the types of experiences I’ve had so far?
My answer was no. Suicidal ideation is terrifying because I don’t want to die. I want to live. Yet, I want the pain to stop. The emptiness to go away. I need to rest often, soundly and peacefully. I deserve to not be at war with myself.
So as one cycle ends, and before the next one begins, I’ve chosen to focus on establishing balance and peace within.
Like what you’ve read? Leave a comment below and let me know what resonated with you. I create content and share my life experiences with intentions to inspire others to tap into their power and turn their pain into purpose. As long as I am blessed to be alive, I will be a blessing to others.
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